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[fic] I know what that song means now
14 August 2023
This fic is also on AO3, if you find it easier to read there
Fandom: MDZS
Focus: jyl pov, xuanli
Setting: canon era
Length: 1,753 words
Content notes:
Themes:
second person pov; t4t; disability; family; cooking
Summary:
Five firsts and one last; Jiang Yanli builds her identity.
Foreword:
Written for shadaras for t4t 2: electric boogaloo.
Shadaras, I read through your lists of likes and prompts, and was immediately possessed by the need to write complicated-gender-feelings Jiang Yanli raised as a different gender than her assigned sex at birth. (Jin Zixuan came along for the ride as also raised a different gender than asab but he hasn't figured out how to have complicated feelings about it.) I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
Fic:
The last time you see the man you married, you kiss him goodbye, a long, lingeringly sweet kiss. You tell him to hurry home, trying to convince yourself that your fears are unfounded.
As he departs you look away, unable to watch his form grow smaller and disappear from sight. You focus instead on your tiny son and marvel again at the perfection of his nose, the unbelievable smallness of his fingers, the wisps of his delicate hair beginning to grow. How could you be so fortunate? Your very own child, who you never dared hope for!
A-Xuan had been glad to bear Jin Ling, glad that it would be him and not you, that there was no chance you could risk your delicate health in pregnancy. A-Xuan is so proud of everything he can do for you — and for him, of course you must accept. How could you do otherwise? He loves you, and he wants to give you the world. You want to give him the world, too.
***
It's an almost unbearable intimacy to have your husband (your husband, finally!) lowering himself carefully onto your cock for the first time. He's kneeling over you, eyes wide and full of wonder, wetness dripping from his cunt. As he settles himself lower, he groans out your name, over and over again, as if unable to believe he is lucky enough to be here with you. You love him so much, this dear man. He makes you feel powerful.
You pull his head down towards yours so you can kiss him, needing to be close to him in every way possible, and he gasps into your mouth as he grinds down on your cock. Your whole body is lit up by him, as if you are lightning condensed into a vessel that can barely contain it. You want this to last forever, and you feel like you'll burn up and float away as ashes on the wind if you have to bear this exquisite pleasure any longer.
You need — you need — you're not sure what you need, but you find you're desperate for it anyway as your hands cling to a-Xuan's shoulders and his hair falls over you, sticking in places to your sweaty skin.
Your face ends up pressed against his neck where you can taste the salt of his sweat as you mouth at the straining tendons. You bite down gently, then harder as he keens and clenches around you. You feel fierce, wild, out of control in a way that's wholly unfamiliar to you; you can't stop yourself and you don't want to. You only wish you had the strength to dig your fingers in so deeply they will leave bruises, to wrap your legs around him and pull him in so tight to you that it's like his body is fused with yours.
But your teeth keep finding fresh tender skin to dig into, and satisfaction sparks through your veins as a-Xuan pants out half-incoherent words of praise and pleading in a hoarse voice, as his tears drip into your hair. As he calls you "wife."
You cry out into his skin when you reach your peak, filling him with your release, claiming him inside and out. He is yours, yours, yours, and nothing can take him away from you. He's whimpering as you reach down to where the two of you are joined, your fingers exploring — and then he's coming, too, his cunt tight on your sensitive, softening cock.
You are full of a shuddering joy, after, but you find you could almost fall asleep like this. You feel worn out from the exertion, even though a-Xuan did most of the work. He has collapsed on top of you, snuffling inelegantly in the aftermath of tears as he strokes your hair with a gentle hand, his legs tangled in yours. You cannot keep from smiling.
But the pressure of all his weight on you is more than your body can handle.
"Please," you murmur, pushing up lightly on one shoulder, and there's a few moments of awkward rearranging before he understands. The two of you end up reversed, him sprawled out on the bed, and you covering him like a damp and messy blanket. It's almost as good. Eyes closed, you focus on the sensation of his breath lifting his chest beneath yours in an easy, steady rhythm.
***
The first time Madam Jin invites you to visit her at Golden Carp Tower, you feel so grown-up and proud. This is the woman who will be your mother-in-law, and she really seems to want to get to know you and to make you a part of her life!
But within hours of arriving you know better. Madam Jin looks at you and sees the promise of all of her happiest dreams of uniting her family with that of her dear friend's. She sees a girl who is quietly turning into a young woman who might not be remarkable, but is certainly everything proper.
The contrast is agonising. No matter what you do, it will never be enough to make your mother happy, but you have a vision of your future with a mother-in-law who pets you and fawns over you and never ever considers that you could do anything remarkable.
You are doing nothing more strenuous than drinking tea and listening to Madam Jin talk, but for a moment the erratic beat of your heart rises within you until it's all you can feel.
***
The first time you see the boy you will one day marry, he is beautiful, impeccably dressed in gold, and he looks past you without a second glance. He sees you aren't good enough for him, you think calmly, but you need more practice to rid yourself of bitterness altogether.
At birth, you were not strong enough for your parents to be willing to present you as their first-born son, and now you're a girl so unprepossessing you're not even admired by your betrothed.
You look down, press your fingertips to your swordless belt, almost wish things could be different.
"A-jie," your youngest brother calls you. "Shijie," from the rest of your generation at Lotus Pier. It is a term of respect, but it is Wei Wuxian who is first disciple. It is Jiang Cheng who is clan heir.
You do not want to take status away from either of them, these two who you will always see as beloved little brothers clamouring for your approval. You don't know what you do want. You have the body you have; you have the life you have.
You are able to care for those you love. You feed them, cry over them, watch them succeed and exult in their successes. What does it matter that you're not pretty? What does it matter that you haven't the strength to cultivate a powerful core, that your parents saw this at your birth and decided for you what kind of life you could have? What does it matter that if you try to learn your sword, try to increase your stamina, try to run or even to walk quickly, your heart flutters and pounds until you feel like you're dying?
***
You have always felt most yourself in the kitchen, as far back as you can remember, getting underfoot and in people's way in your eagerness to understand all the mysteries of knife and stove.
But you're a big girl now and able to actually help, and you're so proud every time something you assisted with is served at a family meal. You stirred that soup! You filled and folded those dumplings! You were given the honour of deciding how much spice was suitable for these noodles!
And now it's time for your biggest challenge yet.
You've been practising your knife skills assiduously, and though you're not as fast as Chu-jie, you are precise and so, so careful. It's a responsibility, to use a knife, and Chu-jie has given you her approval.
The most important thing in making good fish balls is the texture, and you need to be able to mince finely and thoroughly. The knife feels enormous in your hands. It takes you a long time to get the fish minced as small as it needs to be, and by the end you're shaking with the effort. Finally, triumphant, you get to move on to the fun of lifting up spoonfuls of the results and slapping it back down into the bowl.
Chu-jie comes over to inspect your work. "Good," she praises, and you beam with pride.
That night your fish balls are in the soup you eat with your family; you look eagerly around the table as each of them eat with every sign of enjoyment. A-Cheng demands a second bowlful before he's even done with his first.
You don't say anything. They don't need to know it was your hands that made their food — it's enough for you to know.
You take a bite of one of the fish balls in your own bowl. It's delicious.
***
When you are introduced to your baby brother, you aren't sure how to feel at first. Xiao-Cheng, Chengcheng, the new-born Jiang heir. A boy. Your mother tells you to open your arms, to be a good sister and learn how to hold him, and you do, and he is so, so sweet. His skin is soft as you kiss his forehead and you clutch him with all your strength so that you won't drop him.
He's yours to cherish, now, your baby brother. He will be your sect leader someday, in the hazy far distant future, and you will be by his side. You're too young to be aware yet of the politics of marriage, but in a few years you will begin to wonder if it will ever be possible for you to marry, or to have your own child to mother, and you'll commit yourself to supporting your little brother for as long as your heart still beats. You will promise yourself fiercely that you'll never let him think he might have been anything except the first son, the heir by right. You will already know that you'll never have the strength of arm to fight for him, for the Jiang, but you will hope to have wisdom to provide, and you will be a safe place for him to go when his burdens are great.
You are an older sister now. That means something to you, and always will.
Comments:
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